What's next????

Foster Care Update

2010-11-12T12:15:00.000-06:00

HOLY COW...things are actually moving ahead....I have my first meeting with the social worker on Monday, Nov 22. Don't have all of my "corrections" done but close and she said we could start the home visits while the rest is "corrected". I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I've got a lot of things I want to get done around my house before that meeting just to be sure things look perfect. (i.e. more painting, decorating, organizing)

I will have to relive all the horrors of my foster care experience in ND...(heck just thought...maybe I need to change my name as I'm not "ndfostermom" anymore since I live in a new state....oh well.) I'm am really hoping that my new county is more helpful with placements and assistance that the child may need. If I find out they are like my old county...I think I'll just throw in the towel right away...I'm not up for dealing with all that BS again.

Work is FINALLY slowing down with harvest completed for the most part. It's nice to begin to have a life again outside of my job.

I even joined a Women's Recreation Volleyball League and am LOVING getting out once a week. I never played volleyball (other than in gym class in school) but it's a lot of fun. Good way for me to meet new people and make new friends.

RIP Grandma Ruth

2010-10-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

Ok...so I've been non-existent again and I'm sorry. This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. On Wed morning I received a call from my mom that my dad's mom had been found on the floor of her apartment and was being taken to the ER by ambulance. My parents were 3+ hours away as my dad was having some cardiac testing of his own done. I am the closest family member to where Grandma lived so I took off from work and went to the hospital. I'm so thankful I was able to be there with her on Wed. Although, there were obvious issues going on in her brain (she was in and out of being "with-it") she still knew who I was and we were able to have somewhat of a "normal" conversation at times. Long story short...by Thursday morning all 5 of the boys (my dad and his 4 brothers) were able to get to the hospital and see her and visit with her. On thursday night she took a turn for the worse and never woke back up. We got a call at 6am Sat morning that we needed to get to Fargo (my parents were at my house) so we took off and were 15 minutes late getting there. :-( I did NOT expect this! I knew Grandma wasn't healthy...and I knew she would need to go to a nursing home WHEN she got outta the hospital...but I NEVER expected her to NOT get out of the hospital. We are learning now as we receive some test results back that there was evidence of brain stem damage from the fall that she must have taken at some point between Tuesday morning and Wed morning when they found her in her apartment. At least she is at peace...and with the rest of our family of angels...but I am really struggling right now with this. This next week is gonna be a difficult one.

As for foster care license status....had my fire inspection last Friday...got a few things to "correct" and then we're set to go. Nothing major...just some "old house" issues that aren't up to "code".

Well I am at work today trying to get a few things done to stay caught up as I will be out of the office for 2 1/2 days this week.

Hope all is well with everyone out there!

Harvest is in full swing

2010-10-03T08:43:00.000-05:00

Well we are officially into sugar beet harvest. It's been a crazy week. 65+ hours and I took Monday off for a family funeral. Went on a few parts runs yesterday and finally got back home just before Midnight last night...been back at work this morning for just over an hour. Start of a new week...let's hope it goes well. I know I NEED a massage...my poor body can't handle these kinds of hours...but I know when I see the paycheck on the 15th...it will all be worth it!

Got a message from our local Social Services agency...they have my application for family foster care on hand and are sending out paperwork to my references. Keeping my fingers crossed all will work out. I really miss the kids! And at least by the time they get around to doing a homestudy...beet harvest will be over and my hours will be more "normal".

Me and The "Loves of my Life"

2010-09-21T08:12:00.000-05:00

This picture was taken at my mom and dad's on Labor Day weekend. Missing 2 of my nephews...but oh well...4 of 6 together was ok with me. I love these kiddos more than life itself. My niece on my lap is named after me and is my god-daughter. From Left to Right "Little Noodle" Age 11 1/2, "Messer" Age 3, "Princess" Age 3 & 11 months (yes the girls are 10 1/2 months apart!) and "Daws" Age 6. "Messer" "Princess" and "Daws" are siblings. "Little Noodle" is an only child. He is also my god-son and will ALWAYS be spoiled rotten by me! I feel bad...and I don't really have a "favorite" but he has always held an extra special place in my heart.

Update

2010-09-20T15:54:00.000-05:00

Went out on my first blind date last week. Nice guy...even went on a 2nd date this past Sat night...went dancing to Johnny Holm (anyone heard of him??) Had a blast!!! What a fun time out with a bunch of friends just having fun with no pressures! Life is starting to look up. Eating and other behaviors are coming along good.

Almost fell on the slick dance floor (why can't people set their beer down BEFORE they go out on the floor????) but "George" caught me from actually falling...but still ended up with a displaced rib and hip outta wack...today I HURT! :-(

Not much else to talk about...work is getting busier with harvest...I did check into getting licensed as a foster parent here in my new county...application has been sent in...we'll see what happens.

I'm still alive

2010-09-07T12:40:00.002-05:00

It's been quite a time the last couple of weeks but I wanted to check and say I was still out here...Eating and self-injury behaviors are out of control so still actively working on getting back on track. It's just really hard right now.

Just when I think my life is soooo good...

2010-08-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

Mr. "Perfect" really isn't so perfect for me...decided he doesn't want to be "tied down" all of a sudden and went his separate way...not moving to my town next week afterall. I know in the end..it's better this way and I'll be ok...but I am soooo done with it all. Thankfully IUI's didn't work...but now I've got a $1000 medical bill to pay again...guess it's a good thing they take payment plans.

Gonna take a few days to regroup...get my life figured out...get my eating disorder back on track (as it's gone WAY OUT OF CONTROL this week).

Thanks for "listening".

Where do I begin???

2010-08-25T12:16:00.000-05:00

So much has happened in the past week...

Let's start with last weekend...

Went to watch my 11-yr-old nephew race in the NDMA(north dakota motocross association) final race of the season. He was in 1st place in his age group/category going into the weekend. He took 2nd for the weekend and 1st overall for the year! WAY TO GO J! While out there I had a nice "mini-vac" from real life. Got a sunburn...was lazy and sat around the camper...and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in 16 years! WOW..where does time go? We litterally were up ALL NIGHT Sat night talking about what we've done..where we're at in our lives, etc. He was my BEST friend when we were 15 yrs old and my parents HATED him (yes he was also a boyfriend at one point and I think that's why they hated him so much). Anyways..he moved away and we lost touch. Found eachother a few months ago..whereelse...but on Facebook.

So anyways...it was just really nice to see him again and we had a GREAT visit.

__________

We FINALLY hired someone for our part time position at work. She will start next Monday and I'm so excited to finally have some help. Maybe now I can actually take a REAL vacation. Hopefully she will enjoy the job and be here long term.

__________

Well there is so much more that has happened...but I don't have time to go into it all. Hope everyone is having a great week.

Life....

2010-08-17T12:41:00.000-05:00

Well we have interviewed 4 candidates for the part-time position...1 we like...1 is ok...1 is well-not-so-bad and 1 was a waste of our time. I mean really people....the job is FILING....that's about it...how hard is it to know your ABCs...really??? You graduated from college and still can't put things in ABC order???

Anyways...I'm stressed out beyond belief. I have worked 15 of the last 17 days and I'm worn out. Don't get me wrong..I love my job...but I need some time off. It's busy right now...harvest going on and sugar beets pre-harvest started today. We will go to 24/7 hours around the middle of Sept until sugar beet harvest is over (usually sometime end of Oct/beg of Nov). Now I don't have to work nights...but it gives us only 3/4 staff during the day because the other 1/4 is working at night. It makes my "day end" harder because we really don't ever have a "day end" and just makes things a little more time consuming.

I'm also lonely...it's really different to live ALL BY MYSELF. I love time to myself...but I'm missing KC. I can't wait until Sept gets here and he gets moved up here and we're done paying for 2 places to live. Right now we might get 12 hours together a week...and that's just not enuf for me! This long distance stuff is for the birds.

This weekend I am headed to watch my nephew J race in the ND Moto X finals. I can't wait! He's in 1st place in his class! WAY TO GO J! It will be a fun weekend spent with my brother and J and some friends. KC can't go as his brother is getting married on Friday and his nephew's bday is on Sunday so here's another weekend spent apart. :-( Excited to see J and my brother but sad that KC can't be there too. (His brother and fiance announced 2 weeks ago that they were getting married this Friday!)

So much going on...

2010-08-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

Please pray for my cousin L. She is 18-years-old...She contacted me last night and told me of her plan to end her life....I got a hold of her parents and she is ok today...but is VERY UPSET with me for "breaking her trust". I know I did the right thing...but she has a VERY LONG ROAD ahead of her to sorting out her life. I've been on the phone with her and her parents and another cousin A all night....I need sleep...but I'm at work because we are interviewing 2 candidates for the part-time position in our office today.

Also I found out my ex-hubby's little brother rolled his pickup yesterday afternoon. He is 17. His nieces (age 7 & 12) and 2 of ex-hubby's new girlfriends kids (age 12 & 10) were all in the pickup. No seatbelts. Driver and 12 yr old niece were thrown out. Rest stayed in. Driver has broken leg/hip on one side and broken ankle on the other. 12-yr-old niece was airlifted to big town hospital. Rest were taken to local hospital....All will be ok...but asking for prayers for that family. Ex-father-in-law is laying in big town hospital with kidney failure right now also.

IUI #2

2010-08-11T09:34:00.001-05:00

Tested this morning...BFN....Now we wait until I get my cycle and go from there....I'll blog more later.

Going Private Again...

2010-08-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

Ok...so since my family and KC's family do NOT know we are TTC...I've decided to make this private again. I just don't want someone to be searching the internet and find this by "mistake" and figure out who I am IRL and ruin any "surprise" that may be still kept quiet to them.

_____________________

KC is here for the weekend. It's so nice to have him here. Last night we got a call from one of the service technicians from my employer whose dad is in the hospital and we ended up going over to his house to babysit while he went back to the hospital (his wife was at work). Really makes me feel good that he thought of us to call when he needed something. Kids were all in bed so it's not like it was too tough to babysit and actually I just went back to sleep on the couch but still..nice to be able to help out.

Well I am at work today while KC is doing his "honey-do-list" at the house. He is so cute. Here's our conversation at 1am on our way home from tech's house...

KC: So what do I need to get done tomorrow?
Me: Clean and organize garage. Spray Round-up around house and fence. Call CW and check on price of scrap metal/copper so we can get rid of it. Start breaking down the pile of branches in the backyard so we can have a bonfire. Oh and cook me lunch at 1:00pm. :-)
KC: that's all?
Me: For now...I'll think of more.

LOL...he's so happy to have "our" house and so am I.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend...I work all day tomorrow too..so will be a short one for me.

A Little of this...and a little of that...

2010-08-05T12:43:00.000-05:00

Ok so work is super busy these days...afterall, we are in full-swing wheat harvest to be soon followed by pre-lift sugar beets and then soybeans and corn. I don't see a "boring" day until oh let's see..NOVEMBER! But oh well.

Tonight I will make the drive back to the town KC and I shared an apartment in to pick him up and bring him up here to my town for the weekend. I so can't wait for Sept to get here so he gets moved up here!!! It sure makes for a long week alone and when you're TTC...it's really difficult. I've had to make lots of trips back to his town during the week for doc appts and "timing" issues and I will be so thankful when that doesn't have to happen.

So I started spotting Tues night and then it quit again on Wed afternoon....hmmm could it be? I'm not getting my hopes up...but we'll see. I want to get my hair colored...but what if it did work this time? i have heard that you shouldn't color your hair when you are pg. Anyone know what the deal is?

I also started taking a baby asprin last night. One/day. My twin sis who is an RN,BSN suggested it due to her issues when she was pg. She told me that since we are identical twins...it won't hurt to be safe than sorry. I will talk to the doc about it at my next appt.

So back to work....
next week we will sit down and choose who we should interview for our part time receptionist position. Tell me if I am over reacting...but when the position clearly states that it is filing, answering phones and doing advertising and requires a STRONG proofreading ability...and you send in your resume with both spelling errors and alignment errors...are you qualified? 1st impressions are everything right? I can not believe that we have gotten in 4 resumes with errors on them???? It makes it kinda hard to even look at those resumes. Guess I can't stress over it...I just hope we find the "right" person for the job.

Ok...to clarify a few things...

2010-08-05T11:57:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have followed me for many years let me try to break this down...

1. No adoptions with foster kids actually went thru...either do to the courts or do to us backing out.

2. Hubby that I did foster care with are divorced. I didn't realize it at the time..but came to realize that he is a very emotionally and verbally abusive and controlling person.

3. I was hospitalized in 2008 for 13 weeks total (2 different hospital stays) for my eating disorder/depression. It was during this time and thru extensive counseling that I began to "wake up" from the life I was living. In a hard to understand way...my ED/depression saved my life. Without seeking treatment when I did...God only knows where I would be today.

4. Mr. Right is NOT my hubby that I did foster care with. KC and I met thru some mutual friends. I FINALLY know what I want out of life and know what it is like to be treated as a PRINCESS and a human being. (although like I said...at the time with ex-hubby I didn't see there was any other way to be treated).

5. KC and I are trying to get pregnant. I've had A LOT of female issues in the past year and was told "now or never". No we are not married. I know there are people who do not agree with our decision to start a family out of wedlock...but it's a decision we made together and one we are ready and willing to take on.

6. Bought a house in a new town 2 hours away from ex-hubby and my parents. LOVE LOVE LOVE my new job doing accounting for a big name agriculture equipment company. Been at this job for 15 months now and couldn't be happier. Just closed on my very first home this past June.

I hope this helps to clarify some things.

Stress...

2010-08-03T20:34:00.002-05:00

Where do i begin with this post?

Work is busy..obviously it is harvest time and things are bound to be busy...but without a helper at work...it just really seems overwhelming at times. i don't know which end is up.

Does it make sense that on one hand my stress is less now that I don't have to "babysit" a 2-year-old and yet it's more stressful because I have so much more to do???

We've been getting a lot of applications/resumes for the position. The problem is...most..ok all buy 1 of them...are OVER qualified for the job. Not that that is necessarily a BAD thing..but I'm afraid that they will get bored when they realize what the job really is and we'll be in this same position in a few months. This is the first time I've been in a position to have a say in the hiring process so it's a great learning experience and yet stressful at the same time.

Hopefully boss and I can sit down and take a look at things next week once we have our July month end finished up.

***************************
Possible TMI...

On the IF side of things...been experiencing some light spotting already. IUI was just last Saturday. Weird. Also having some pain on my right side but that was the ovary that had all the follicles in it so I am assuming that is what that is from. 10 days to test day...and counting.

Ok...I'm here

2010-08-02T16:51:00.003-05:00

Well if anyone is still there...I'm going to TRY and be better at this now...I've got something to blog about...

1st and foremost...I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!! I'll post pictures soon. I closed on it in June and LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. It's a small 2 bedroom/1 bath home that was a 1 owner home. It's 60 yrs old but is in VERY good shape. I am busy doing remodeling and updating and can't wait to show it off!

2nd...Mr Right and I are still together and happy as can be. We have begun fertility treatments to try and start a family. :-) So far IUI#1 resulted in a BFN. IUI #2 was just done last Saturday...so keep your fingers crossed. His counts are low so not holding out much hope. If IUI#2 fails...we will move on to IVF.

3rd...my job is AWESOME! I love working in the agriculture field and doing what I do. Getting busy now with harvest season and my "helper" just quit on the spot...said I was too "harrassing" but couldn't come up with any examples and refused a meeting with me, her and the big boss. Guess that means...it was just her cop out way to get out of doing the "fun" office work of filing, etc. Oh well...job security for me and at least I can't say I'm bored at work.

So since I don't have time to catch up with everyone...whatcha been up to?

Is anyone still out there????

2009-10-13T12:12:00.002-05:00

Is there anyone still out there??? It has been forever...5 months to be exact since I was last on here.

A quick little update on my life...

I have a new job 2 hours away from where I used to live. I am doing accounting for a John Deere dealership. I LOVE IT!!! I lived in the same town as my new job for a couple months this summer but in August moved half-way back to where I used to live because I was miserable living up here. Now I drive about 75 miles one way to work but I am so much happier.

I have met someone new. ALthough I have NO INTEREST in being in a relationship, it is nice to have someone who shares some of my interests and to hang out with once in a while. We have had some of the same past experiences in life and it is nice to have someone who somewhat understands what I have been thru.

Moving On

2009-05-12T08:54:00.002-05:00

I'm in the process of moving on with the rest of my life. I am currently living with my parents (NEVER planned on that when I moved out when I was 18) at their lake home. I guess if there is a silver lining in all of this...it's that I get to live at the lake during the summer! :-)

I'm looking for a job with health insurance benefits. I need to get out of the local area as (soon-to-be-ex) hubby's entire family lives around here and I just can't handle seeing them or him. We'll see what I find.

In the mean time, I am being selfish. I have decided that I have let myself be walked on for far too long. It's time I start looking out for ME! I DESERVE to be happy! I DESERVE to be healthy! I have a new life ahead of me...here I come world!

SO much going on

2009-04-17T10:04:00.002-05:00

Long story short...adoption is off. Marriage is over. Husband is not the man I thought he was. Looking for somewhere to live and a job with benefits.

Up and Running

2009-03-17T14:36:00.002-05:00

We had our first visit with our new agency on March 11. Thanks to our LOVELY weather, we had to reschedule it once. I think it went well. We are finishing up the rest of the paperwork and have our next visit March 26th. It sounds good so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

New Agency

2009-02-11T10:42:00.001-06:00

Just a quick post....adoption application has been sent to New Agency!!!

Great big THANK YOU to Angela for bringing them to my attention!

More updates later.

Slipping...

2009-01-26T15:48:00.002-06:00

Ok, this blog has turned into something that I'm sure not too many (if anyone) is interested in.

We had a meeting with our social services office and AASK. No way will we be allowed to adopt T. They don't believe I am "stable" and are upset that we didn't follow thru with the recommendations that we supposedly received July 1 of last year. I say supposedly because we NEVER got the letter. On the 14th when I talked to the lady at AASK, she told me that she knew we weren't given any recommendations..then by the time we talked the following week, there is a letter dated July 1, 2008 that was sent to us??? Kinda fishy if you ask me, but whatever.

I'm worn out. I'm frustrated. I'm ready to throw it all away.

Stable...yes I believe I am stable. Heck, I've been thru hell and back in the 3 1/2 yrs we have done foster care and I still want to do it. Ok, on 2nd thought...maybe I'm not stable! Any person in their right mind would have told them where to go by now! I haven't. I still want to foster. I still want to adopt. But I've said since last summer that I don't think we will EVER get a fair shot with this agency again. I fully believe that after this last meeting.

Oh and they even went so far as to tell me that they are biased against the psychologist that I chose to go see. Hmmm...what happened to MY rights to pick. It wasn't in the letter WHOM we had to see. So now I choose someone (yes someone who has quite a reputation in our county whom I normally wouldn't choose but considering what they are pulling, I choose him cause he's buddy buddy with a REALLY GOOD LAWYER), and they don't like that choice? So if I stick with going to see him on Thursday, will that be held against me too???

I/we have to have a psychological eval done.
I/we have to go to marriage counseling.
I/we have to go to individual counseling.
I have to sign releases so they can get ALL of my ED files.

(I say I/we because they mainly want ME to get the evals done but if they say WE then they can get around the discrimination deal).

THEN:
they will send us the paperwork to begin the process all over again so that WE can fork out a bunch more money for background checks, etc. Why? So they can pick it apart and deny us? Even IF we were ever to get an approved home study...would THEY ever choose us? or would some other family be a "better fit" for the child?

Hubby says I need to go into it with an open mind? I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. I have been lied to and discriminated against and sh** on too much with "the system" that is looking for the "best interest of the child".

I'm done with them. I'm thankful that Angela has given me the name of another agency that will soon be licensed for ND foster care adoptions.

I'm also thinking along the lines of fertility treatments again. I don't know. I've had it up to my eyeballs and then some. Why can ANYONE give birth to a child BUT if you can't give birth to a child...then you can be put thru the wringer before they allow you to adopt. UGH!

Update

2009-01-14T16:11:00.003-06:00

Ok...it's been a while...well more like FOREVER.

Life...well it's had it's ups and downs. No placements right now. That's ok.

We recently learned that a little boy we had in Nov 2007 ( I can't remember what i named him) is now up for adoption. We only had him and his older sis for a few days then had them moved because of Em and JP. We've done respite A LOT for him over the past year. He's sooo sweet. It's an ugly battle. I have contacted a lawyer to see what our rights are. The only adoption agency we can go thru in ND for foster kids...is being difficult. We have our county saying that this little guy should be in our home...but they say they won't look at us without a home study...yet they won't write us a home study. And if they hadn't discriminated against us last summer and closed our home study without talking to us...we would have a currently home study. UGH!

Also....father in law cancer update....he had his bladder/prostrate/appendix out Dec 8. Spent 10 days in the hospital. Was rushed back by ambulance on Dec 19 after his incision came open and his intestines were practically falling out of his body. The doc could feel them when he examined fil. Spent another 10 days in the hospital. Got out Dec 29. My little bil is living with us. He's 16. We have 2 farms to keep up...2 sets of chores to do...oh and did i mention that we have more snow already than we've had in like FOREVER up here??? It literally storms every other day or so up here. Today it's -40degrees Farenheit windchills. Yep...gotta love ND!

As for my ED...it's not good. I'm trying but with all this stress...it's not good. That's all I'm going to say for now.

HOpe all is well with everyone....I'll try to catch up on your blogs soon.

new kiddos

2008-10-23T08:04:00.000-05:00

9 month old boy...3 yr old boy....cute kids...no idea how long they will be here...started out as 1 week...then 1 month....then "We have no idea". Good kids too! Blonde hair...blue eyes!

What next

2008-09-18T12:42:00.001-05:00

Ok...PHP is done. Back to outpatient as of next week.

New stressor in life....mom has to have gallbladder out....mom has LARGE kidney stones...(ok...not serious)...now the big one...she has been diagnosed with MS!!!

Trace...please email me! I need to know where to get some good info to learn more about this!

kjeichhornatpeoplepcdotcom

Thanks.

One more thing

2008-09-05T20:14:00.002-05:00

I think we have come to the conclusion that we are NOT going to renew our foster care license this year. I'm not sure I'm ok with that decision yet. I'll keep you posted.

Update on FIL

2008-09-05T20:04:00.002-05:00

Surgery today. Tumor was bigger than expected. Covered most of bladder/part of prostrate and the left urethra (?sp). His left Kidney was not emptying due to the blockage. They were only able to remove 2/3 of the tumor. Next week he will have a CAT scan done to see exactly how it is attached to his other organs. We should have pathology report middle of next week. Then a decision has to be made what to do next. Sounds like chemo is a definite. Going into surgery...doc said 15% chance he'd lose his bladder....after surgery....doc says "pretty good" chance we'll have to take his bladder.

To top this off...I called my mom and she started crying on the phone and all she would tell me is that she has to have some tests done and she can't talk about it now because 1. She hasn't even told my dad and 2. I have too much on my plate the way it is.....It's worse wondering but she doesn't understand that. Our relationship is a little weird right now. Not sure...ok I am pretty sure I know what the deal is...but it's something she's just going to have to get over. I'm 29 yrs old. It's time my umbilical cord was actually cut. I need to make my own decisions and she's having a hard time with it. (She doesn't even know the REAL reason why I am IP...we just told her that my meds were screwed up.)

I am Inpatient

2008-09-03T20:09:00.002-05:00

Ok...long story....I'll try to keep it short.

I came back in as a PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) admit. On Aug 28, I was admitted to IP (Inpatient) due to self harm urges. I spent 1 night IP and then told them I was ok and was allowed to go home for the long Labor Day weekend. The weekend was horrible. I struggled...with eating...with coping...with exercising...with life in general. Came back to PHP on Tuesday, Sept 2. Day got worse as it went on. I scratched my arms until they were about to bleed during a group but didn't tell anyone as I had a sweatshirt on with a pocket in the front. I was asked several times by nurses/therapists if I could contract for safety for the night. I told them point blank that I was saying YES because if I said NO, then I would be put IP again. I went to H&S's house (my friends that I stayed with last time and that I have been staying with this time). Went straight to my room. Went on facebook for a little while. Then headed to the basement to watch tv. On my way past the table in tears (as I had been in tears the whole day) H asked me if it was a bad day. I said, "Yep, that's the story of my life right now". They left me alone for a while. Pretty soon S came downstairs and told me he wanted to talk. We talked a little but I didn't talk much. He wanted me to open up. I couldn't. Finally I did. I told him point blank that at that time I was feeling like I didn't care if I woke up tomorrow (today) morning. He told me he was bringing me back to the hospital. I told him NO. Needless to say I'm here. I'm IP. I'm off SPIII (suicide prevention level III) as of this evening but won't be discharged probably until next week. I'm VERY depressed. The doc changed my meds today. Hopefully that helps. I'm not sure what is going on. When I'm not here, I'm hurting myself or overexercising and if I'm not doing either of those things, I'm sleeping. Hubby has made several comments about my sleep habits lately. Calling him last night was very hard. I'm really struggling with how I have let EVERYONE down yet again. I'm such a failure. I'm working thru these feelings, but it's tough.

To top matter off Hubby's dad has cancer. Have I said that before??? We found out for sure on Aug 21st. He's having a tumor removed from his bladder this friday. I may not be allowed to be there now. That will not be good for me or Hubby. I NEED to be with him that day. Depending on how surgery goes, we will find out if/how much chemo/radiation he will have to have.

Well I gotta run as my time limit is up. If you have my caring bridge site...you can check for updates on there.

Jody

Back to the hospital I go

2008-08-18T13:36:00.002-05:00

9am tomorrow morning I am being admitted as a Partial Hospitalization Patient. As long as I am "medically stable" I will stay PHP. If I am not "medically stable", then I will be inpatient. Please pray that all tests show I am stable. I CAN NOT be IP right now.

A LOT IS GOING ON

2008-08-13T18:25:00.003-05:00

Found out this afternoon that kids are going home tomorrow at 7:15am. I don't even take them to daycare. Just straight to social services. Considering it is 6:30pm and I am still in Fargo (1 hr from home) and I have to pack everything up tonight..I outta get to bed by midnight! I don't even plan on leaving Fargo for another hour or two.

Doc appt today....I am waiting for a call as to when I will be accepted back at the hospital. At this point, I am told that it will only be partial hospitalization again. We'll see if that holds true. I don't know what to think. It's not a surprise. But i feel like i have let EVERYONE down. I just don't understand why this is so hard.

I don't have time/the heart/thoughts to write any more right now. I'll update more when I feel like I can.

Kids still here

2008-08-12T15:44:00.002-05:00

Well the boys are still here. They really are good kids. We have had NO behavior issues at all. Not even an ounce of an issue. Granted...they are still pretty new but they seem to be adjusting pretty well.

Biomom had court today. Her parents made bail for her so she's out. Kids' may go home soon. That's the best thing in my world...I just can't ask to have them moved when I know they will go to family (whether it be mom or grandparents) as soon as they can.

I go to the doc tomorrow. I'm nervous as heck. Picked up the phone 3 times today to cancel the appt but never actually made the call. I guess that is a good thing. I am averaging 10-13 exchanges per day since July 29. THat's approx 600 - 780 calories per day. Not good but I can't seem to shake this. Am I headed back to Inpatient??? I don't know. I wish this wasn't so hard.

A new placement (Yep...just what I needed!)

2008-08-05T12:12:00.002-05:00

So last Thursday afternoon we got a call for an emergency placement for 2 boys. 7 yrs old (8 in Sept) and 1 yr old. Good Kids...bad situation...(duh or they wouldn't be in foster care right?) Anyways, the sw called today to tell me that they have been instructed by law enforcement to keep the foster family COMPLETELY anonymous. Hmmm...now that scares me. We ALWAYS want to be anonymous...however...why are the COPS the one saying we HAVE TO BE ANONYMOUS????

Let's just say the family is involved in WAY MORE than I care to know about and they are not from this country.

So...eating is still not going well. Kenny and I are doing ok. He's taken a more interested aspect in my life....not sure if he can tell that I'm not doing good ED wise or what but I'll take it one step at a time. I've lost more weight. I'm only 6lbs from where I was when I was admitted to the hospital. And I have 8 more days until I can get in to see a therapist!

Private Yet again

2008-07-30T11:52:00.002-05:00

Ok...so my life is TOTALLY screwed up. I have gone private for many reasons. It's not like I am posting much on here but for my own safety...I need to be private. To make a long story short....I had to contact the police yesterday regarding a former co-worker who has been harrassing me to no end and started with some minor (if there is such a thing) threats yesterday.

Then my hubby told me that it is because of the way I dress that this sick old man (he's 50!....sorry for those of you in that age bracket but I'm only 29....I am NOT INTERESTED in a 50 yr old man) is being this way. As if it's MY FAULT that someone is practically STALKING me! Go figure. Hubby and I had it out last night. As you all are well aware...things have been rocky for a while. I've got A LOT to think about in the next few days/weeks.

My weight is dropping....fast. I haven't been to therapy for a month or so. I did call today and make an appt but I can't get in until Aug 13. UGH! I hope I'm not too far in the hole by then. Part of me wants back in IP or PHP treatment (inpatient or partial hospitalization) to get back on the right track but then I also feel like I am "hiding" from the real issues that are causing my ed. Plus part of me doesn't know if I WANT to fight ED anymore.

I'm just really not in a good place right now and now my best friend/my hubby is not there to support me right now. UGH! I give up.

Oh Yeah...I have a blog

2008-07-24T07:19:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know I have been VERY BAD AT BLOGGING LATELY! and I'm sorry. My heart just isn't in it right now.

On top of what I told you guys about last month...we've had some more good news turn sour. We were chosen by a young lady who some friends of our knows that was pregnant. She is 19 yr old. She was due Dec 31! She miscarried this past Tuesday. UGH! I had myself prepared for her to change her mind...I knew all the risks of things...I just NEVER thought she'd miscarry! I should know better. She was 17 weeks along. It was a boy! UGH! I'm really struggling right now. Although he wasn't our baby yet...I feel like I've lost a son. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Please bear with me as I take some time for myself. Things on the home front are VERY STRESSFUL right now. My ED is winning the battle (again) and I need to focus on me. It's just so hard right now. Plus to top all that off, hubby's cousin from Florida is home with her little boy. THey had a big family get together last night and announced that M is pregnant. Great! Just the news I wanted to hear. Needless to say I left shortly after that and hubby came home with his dad.

Please email me any news in your life that I need to know about. I am thinking about all of you VERY OFTEN!

I told you so

2008-06-26T12:29:00.002-05:00

The first thing I told my therapist when I started treatment for my ED was that I was scared to death that me seeking treatment would affect our ability to adopt. Well guess what????

Last Wed (yep the day of my last post- 18th of july) I got a letter in the mail from our adoption agency. I thought to myself...oh great...what's this...our denial letter??? Guess what it was...Our denial letter! To quote part of the letter...

"Due to Jody's treatment and the difficulties your family is going thru...we find it in our best interest to close your adoption file with our agency. IF in the future you still want to adopt a child thru our organization, please feel free to contact me and we will discuss the POSSIBLITY of re-opening your file".

Give me a break! What a load of crap. The letter was filled with a bunch of untrue statments. I called them last Thursday and talked to the director. She said she would call me back this past Monday. Guess what??? She NEVER called. I called her Tuesday and Wednesday. I will be calling her again in a few minutes! UGH!!!! I'm not giving up this dream...but it is SOOOO hard to go on!

Thoughts

2008-06-18T15:35:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what Mandy is going thru. (Mandy if you are reading this...please know this may be difficult for you to read sweetie!)

Eight years ago next month, my family was faced with the same type of tragedy. My twin sis found out at 28 weeks that her baby had died. She went thru labor and delivery. Her and her hubby and my parents all held "Logan". Then 4 days later, we had a small private family funeral. It was a VERY tough time for our whole family. Some days, I think infertility is a blessing. I can't imagine going thru what my sis and Mandy are having to deal with. I can understand to a point as I have been as close as possible, without it being my child. I went thru a period of HATING my sister for what SHE had done. When in reality...it wasn't her fault. No one could be "blamed". God does things for a reason. There is a reason that he called "Logan" home before we ever got to meet him. Maybe there was something "wrong" and God knew his life was better with him in heaven. I don't know why God does what he does, but I can only believe he knows what is best. We celebrate "Logan's" birthday every year. We know he is still with us in our hearts and watching over us. He is celebrating with my grandpa's in heaven now. I'm jealous that he gets to have hugs from my grandpa's and I don't. Anyways, I can't imagine losing "Logan" after he was here on earth. That would be so much more difficult (in my opinion).

I learned that just being there when my sister wanted to cry on my shoulder. Listening when she wanted to talk. Acknowleding that she did lose a child (some people don't agree with us) and that she needs time to mourn. Helping her celebrate his birthday every year. Remembering him on Memorial Day. It all matters. And just give that person a BIG HUG!!

I'm still alive

2008-06-12T13:20:00.003-05:00

It's really been a long time this time.

JP is gone. I think about him often, but can't do anything about it so what else do I do but move on???

Emilee is at a psych hospital about 1/2 way across the state from us. She went on my birthday (how ironic).

Our niece stayed with us for 2 weeks (May 25-June 4). That was fun. She is 5 yrs old. Her sister (who is 10) will stay with us from July 5-July 18. That should be fun also, but the 10 yr old has an attitude!! Yipee!

I'm doing ok as far as my ed goes. Some days are better than others. I go back to outpatient once a week. I'm not sure how long I will continue that. If gas prices continue to climb...I will not be able to afford to drive up there for treatment. We'll see what happens.

*****************************
On a sad note...please stop by No Swimmers and give her some hugs. She found out today that her twins have no heartbeats! :-( My heart is just breaking for her!

Quick Update

2008-05-19T23:00:00.002-05:00

It's late.
I'm tired.
It's been a long time since I updated on here.

I am officially discharged from the hospital. I go back to outpatient treatment tomorrow. We'll see what happens from there. I'm scared but ready to be back in the "real" world.

Official word is JP will leave us on Friday evening. Hubby is taking Friday afternoon off so we can spend time as a family. It's going to be a TOUGH day!

I'll try to get back to writing on here better. SOrry it's been so bad lately. Hope everyone is doing well. Any big news that I have missed from anyone????

Update from April 28 post

2008-05-08T22:20:00.002-05:00

1. Emilee never went to psych hospital.

2. Hubby and I start marriage counseling tomorrow. Maybe we can work things out afterall??? He has learned that I mean business when it comes to emotional abuse.

3. We were notified tonight (after JP was in bed) that he will be having his first visit with his PATH home tomorrow night thru Sat evening. Hubby gets to give JP the "good" news in the morning and then drop him off at school. I will be calling transport sw and letting her know where to get his overnight bag at. I will also let her know how "happy" we are that we were given so much notice for this visit. Considering I called 2 weeks ago asking to have him moved and we have heard NOTHING from ANYONE since then. Now we get less than 10 hrs notice to have a bag packed. They are moving him to the PATH home so he and Emilee can be together. There was a message on our machine tonight when Hubby and JP got home and JP asked what it was all about. Hubby told him that it sounded like he would be moving to live with Emilee and JP started crying. He said "Emilee is mean to me and hurts me, daddy. I don't want to live with her". Hubby told him that mommy would call the sw and find out what was going on and he and Hubby would talk about it in the morning. Poor guy. I'm FURIOUS with the system. I know I called asking for him to be moved, but things are different now. Not that I don't think it may be in Hubby and I's best interest to focus on US for a while, I don't agree with putting JP and Emilee in the same home. He has come so far in the month or so since Emilee was moved that I know he is just going to get set back further and further. He's the one who will suffer the most thru this and it's not fair. The sw said, "The state requires us to keep siblings together". Ummmm so when one sibling is abusive towards another...you need to keep them together???? Whatever. I give up.

Still here

2008-05-06T06:17:00.001-05:00

I'm still in treatment. Not much to report. I feel so "out of the loop" as I haven't read ANYONE'S blog in FOREVER!!!!

I'll write soon...I promise!

Lots to update on

2008-04-28T22:53:00.002-05:00

1. Neglect charges dropped (from what I understand from a third party...still no word directly from CPS)

2. Emilee goes to psych hospital (not the same on as before) on Wed. They finally called Hubby today and asked when they could get her stuff. Ummmm where have you been for 4 weeks????

3. I will be calling tomorrow to have JP removed from our home also. Why prolong it to the end of the school year???

4. Hubby and I are going to separate! :-(

5. LIFE SUCKS!!!

It's been a while

2008-04-19T13:57:00.003-05:00

Sorry it's been so long. If you are keeping up with the caring bridge site, you will know that life hasn't been easy the past couple of weeks.

Emilee is gone. JP is still here for the time being. A final decision will be made next Friday whether he stays or goes. Emilee cried child abuse again. It's a long story that I dont' want to get into now. Just keep us in your prayers for the next week. I'm sooooo ready to be done with foster care. I can't take too much more of this. Plus, they want a letter from my doctor saying that I am a fit parent! Give me a break!

I gotta run and shower...mom and dad are coming to get me for a pass for supper later this afternoon. Hope all is well with everyone. I feel so lost as I have not been to ANYONE'S blog in FOREVER.

I'm surviving

2008-04-10T19:47:00.001-05:00

Inpatient isn't all that bad. It's not all that good either, but not so bad. I am making some improvements in my thoughts/feelings and that is helping with refeeding. Check the caring bridge site for more info.

Treatment

2008-04-07T21:24:00.001-05:00

Well I'm going to inpatient effective tomorrow. Life sucks right now.

Still here

2008-04-04T07:17:00.002-05:00

I'm still here. Emilee is living with a family in the same town as her school! Now where was this family when we needed respite??? I'm sooooo pissed at the system but I also just don't care anymore. JP is my focus.

I gotta get upstairs for treatment but wanted to say Hi to everyone.

Mary - I'll call you tonight and hopefully we can meet mid morning tomorrow????

When it rains...it pours

2008-03-31T23:00:00.003-05:00

First of all the Emilee saga....Sat night she had a 6+ hr tantrum that I can't even tell you what set her off other than the wind!?!?!?!? We have 2+ hrs of video tape of her hitting/kicking us and yelling and screaming at us and calling us names. I spoke with the partnership program Sat night about 10pm and she said that they can't transport her if she is that worked up. HMMMM...so what is the point of a safe house if you can't transport her to it when she isn't safe at our house???? Anyways, eventually (after 1am) she tired herself out enough to fall asleep. It was after 2am before I could fall asleep and I was awake at 5am. Got up at 6:30am and balanced the checkbook. Then my heart started racing to the point my whole body was shaking and I couldn't breathe. Kenny made me lay down and we timed it...7 minutes. UGH. I am told it was a panic attack...I've never had one of them before. We got Emilee up at 8am because that is usually when they get up and if I couldn't sleep in, why should she get to? She started out hitting me right away and Hubby saw it. He told me to dress her (she refused to dress herself so I picked out the clothes I KNEW she didn't like! I'm so mean!) and then I called the partnership lady back and told her that someone had to come get her. We secretly packed an overnight bag for her and about 1 hour later she left with Partnership Lady. JP in the mean time was down at Hubby's dad's house so he didn't have to observe the horrible behavior and guess what????? He's been GREAT ever since she left. The teacher even said that he was the best behaved kid in class (now last week he was kicked out and we didn't put him back on any meds). Now is it just coincidence or was his sister saying something to him last week???? I don't know. Tonight Emilee is back at the safe house. The sw is trying to get her admitted to some sort of hospital in the middle of the state that accepts younger kids. She needs 24 hr/round the clock care to try and get her regulated. We have decided that we will have NO CONTACT with her until she becomes regulated or at least for a month or so to see how she is coping with the change. I know it's going to be hard, but it is for the best. It was a relief to find out that they weren't going to take JP from us. Why should he be uprooted because of her behavior??? It just wouldn't have made any sense. This weekend I will plan to pack her things and at least put them in the storage shed until the next sw visit and can send them with her.

On a different note....my grandma is a "walking heart attack waiting to happen" according to her doctor and she (gma) said it is all my mom's fault. Go figure. Gma will be 81 in 2 weeks. She has so much fluid around her heart that she is in serious danger and yet she blames her not taking her pills on my mom! UGH! I would really like to kick some sense into grandma but she isn't in her right mind right now. Her thyroid is out of whack along with a lot of other things in her body and it's just said. Gma told my mom and dad that she would rather be in a coffin than live like this anymore. Mom and dad took her car away today and my mom is staying with her tonight at her house. Tomorrow my uncle is coming down and will stay with gma for the night. Then we hope he will bring her back to his house for a night and mom can pick her up on THursday after the family meeting we have at the hospital (yes my uncle & aunt live in this big town). (Shame on me for not going to see them while I'm here but they don't need to know about this right now).

Then my cell phone took a dump tonight and I ended up needing to get a new one. I spent 1 1/2 hrs at the store trying to get it and they still forgot to give me the house charger with it so now I have to call them first thing in the morning and tell them that I will stop in tomorrow night and pick it up. UGH!

As for the weekend (other than the Emilee saga) it wasn't too bad. I did OK on my exchanges on Sat; however I also binged 2 X and tried to purge for the first time in my life. (Luckily) I didn't succeed. I guess there's some good in that I can't make myself throw up. I've never done that before and it scared me. I told the doc/nurse today about it though and they were pretty helpful and understanding. Therapy went good today. Well as good as can be expected when I have so many other things on my brain.

Thanks to EVERYONE who commented on the last post. Knowing all of my friends are out there is really a blessing! You guys are great!

So is there any NEWS that I need to know about??? I'm not taking time to read too many blogs these days...Send me an email. Oh and Julie...can you email me your link again??? I have it on my computer at work but not here. Thanks!

A Quick Update

2008-03-31T07:09:00.003-05:00

I don't have time or energy to write much now. A lot happened over the weekend and to make a long story short...Emilee is gone and she won't be coming back. I know this is going to leave a lot of you wondering about things...but check back later tonight (like bedtime or later) and I will update again with more info. Please pray for her and us. This is a VERY difficult time.

A time to Vent

2008-03-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

ok, if you are following the other site, i'm staying somewhat vague about particular things on there because some of my IRL family and friends read that. The truth of the matter is this....

I want to quit therapy. I know I need it. I know I need to be there BUT with everything going on with the kids right now and Hubby's aunt dying of cancer, treatment is just more than I can emotionally handle right now. (In my mind). The problem...if I leave...will I ever come back??? And they told me on day 1 that if I sign myself out of therapy against medical advice...some insurance companies don't pay. I can't afford to pay for this. I'm really banking on what other people have told me in that it will get easier. The depression is the worst right now. I'm depressed every day. On a scale of 0 - 10 with 0 being good and 10 being bad we rate ourselves on numerous categories 2 times every day. My depression and anxiety were a 10 tonight. I dont' know what it is that is triggering this but it sucks the big one. I don't feel like i can state how truely bad I am feeling on the caring bridge site where my IRL friends/family read it.

To top off my crappy day...Hubby got a call this am that JP was suspended from school...yep look again 5 yr 7 months old! He's in DEVELOPMENTAL KINDERGARTEN for g-d's sake. He just flat out refuses to cooperate in school this week. We did make a med change last weekend and I think that is the main issue so I will call the doc tomorrow am and leave a voicemail to call Hubby at work to schedule and emergency appt. This is SO NOT JP!!!!

Upon returning to work after getting JP and taking him to daycare, Em's teacher called to say Em was having a bad day today. Em is blaming it on the fact that she misses Mom (me) and that Daddy got to spend the night with mommy the other night and the kids' didn't. They were in bed when I got home and I only saw them about 10 minutes in the morning before I left. What's she going to do when she finds out this is what it will be like for the next who knows how many weeks. Poor thing.

Can't think of anything to blog about. I'm finally yawning enough that I hope I can get some sleep. Good night.

Other site

2008-03-27T06:51:00.002-05:00

Ok...I have figured out that I did give some of you the wrong URL for the website. I'm going to be pretty vague on here so bear with me...if you can't figure it out...let's see...email NO Swimmers (hope that's ok M!) as I know she can get into it.

go to www.caringbridge.org

ON the main page it will ask you to enter the site name. Enter my name.

THen it will ask for you to sign in with an email address and enter the password that you were given.

Good luck! If it still doesn't work...email me and I'll check on here again tomorrow am and see if anyone is still having problems.

Survived Day 1

2008-03-25T07:03:00.001-05:00

Well I have survived day 1 here. It's in no way "Fun". It's work. Hard work and I know it's not going to be easy. I'm not going to update too much on here as I have the caring bridge site. HOpe all is well with everyone.

It's official

2008-03-21T13:59:00.003-05:00

The hospital called me this morning. I am to be there NO LATER than 10am on Monday. I haven't slept. I'm soooo nervous...scared...etc. I had a good, long talk with a coworker of mine who has struggled with eating disorders for many years. It was a nice conversation and I was able to open up a lot which I think I really needed. I have started a caring bridge site. I'm not sure how often I will update it but that is something that hubby will know about. If you want the address...send me an email. It will be password protected. PLEASE remember that Hubby doesn't know about my blog so if you leave any comments on the caring bridge site...let's NOT mention the blog.

I'll try to blog one more time tomorrow from work. Have a happy Easter everyone!

It's not what I wanted to be blogging about

2008-03-20T12:17:00.002-05:00

but I was told at the doctor this morning that I do need to have more intense therapy. We agreed on a Partial Hospitalization which means I have to be at the hospital by 7:30am Monday-Friday and will be discharged at 6:30pm. Weekends I am free. This is going to cost me A LOT of gas money but I know it's what i need. I hope I can get on the right track with things. I'm telling you guys this because I will probably "disappear" for a while. Since my family does not know of my blog, I will not be blogging from home. I'm not sure that I will have access to the internet at all during my treatment at the hospital. PLEASE know that I am thinking about ALL of you and will be anxious to catch up with everyone's blogs (so the less you blog while I'm gone...the easier it will be for me to catch up!). I will be checking my work email from home though so feel free to send me an email with any SUPER exciting news that I won't want to wait to find out.

You are all the best. Thank you for your support! I'm nervous as heck about my kids. I have to call the social worker and tell her what is going on as we have a perm plan meeting next week that I won't be able to attend. UGH! If it wasn't for that...I could have just slid this by without letting them know.

An Eye Opener

2008-03-18T09:40:00.003-05:00

Well last night went well with A. I'm not sure yet if he'll be back for another night or not. Don't really care either way. Although he chatters nonstop, it wasn't too bad considering we didn't get home until 6:30pm and they were all in bed at 7:30pm.

Then I got a call from my "mentor" for foster care. Just checking in. She is like a mom to me. She's just wonderful! Let's call her Jean. Anyways, Jean told me that there are currently 4 kids in care in our county whose mom's don't want them back! How could you not want your kids back???? I guess Emilee and JP's mom did the same thing so why am I surprised? It is 2 groups of 2. The one group happens to be the 2 little ones that I had for 5 days last November when Emilee was just coming home from the hospital. There's something going on with them that one of the dad's wants one and the other one's dad on the birth certificate isn't really dad and so they are searching for real dad. Hmmmm...I did make it known this am that I would take both or either one of them back in a heartbeat. The home they are in has given a one month notice on the kids. Afterall, they have 4 under the age of 3 with these 2 there and it was only supposed to be short term and it's been 4 months already. I don't blame her for being worn out and knowing her limits. I've been in her place before hating to ask to have kids' moved but knowing it's more than I could handle. We'll see what happens with them. I'm not getting excited but who knows...maybe things happen for a reason.

This finally brings me up to the "Eye Opener". If I want to bring 2 more kids' into my home on a longer term basis (and possibly forever), I need to be healthy. I go back to the doc on thursday and am going to discuss partial hospitalization treatment. I would like to do a "day treatment" program if there is one. I really think I could benefit from some group therapy. I can talk until I'm blue in the face with my friends/family and it's great but I think being able to talk to other people who are dealing with my struggles right now would help me out too. We'll see what the doc has to say.

I'm off to my meeting with my boss...wish me luck!

A New Placement

2008-03-17T17:10:00.001-05:00

Yep, just what I need. Here's the original post from the first time he was with us. Yep you heard it right...this will be our 2nd placement with him. They tell me it's a 1 night stay. Do I believe them...NO but we'll see what happens tomorrow. He drove me absolutely NUTS last time but I still found I couldn't say no. Afterall, he's got issues and to put him in a different home when he already knows us and supposedly it's only for 1 night...how could I not say he could come??? Anyways we'll see how the night goes.

I called Hubby to let him know...

Me: We're gonna get another kid for the night.

Hubby: Who?

Me: A

Hubby: Why???

ME: Cause they tell me it's only for 1 night.

Hubby: Ok fine.

If it turns into more than 1 night, I'll have to come up with a name for him. We'll see.

A clarification

2008-03-17T09:50:00.003-05:00

Some have asked about the new blog title. No we have not finalized yet. I'm unsure WHEN we will. Notice I didn't say IF. Emilee and JP have been with us for 9 months. Yes they have some MAJOR issues BUT I could never have them moved. They are MY kids. THey have no other parents. I can only imagine what moving them again would do to them. We are FINALLY going down the right path so we'll see how it goes for the next few months. Maybe for Christmas this year I will be a FOREVER mommy??? We'll have to see.

I'm Still Alive

2008-03-13T11:05:00.001-05:00

I'm still alive. We have a "SUPER SALE" at work this week and I've put in about 40 hrs and it's only 11am on Thursday. (Can you figure out why I haven't blogged???)

Had a doc appt this am. Not good news. 2 choices....cut back to 20 hrs/week max work and treatment 2 days/week or be hospitalized. My choice. Hmmmm...I NEED to talk to my boss. The other choice does not fit good with me.

I'll update more later. HOpe all is well with everyone.

Happy Birthday Grandpa

2008-03-05T12:06:00.002-06:00

Grandpa Phil,

Hi. First of all I want to wish you a HAPPY 83rd Birthday TODAY!!!

How are you doing? I'm sure you're laughing at all of us who are dealing with this COLD weather. I really miss you grandpa! There's so much that I didn't get to say to you.

I remember how upset you were when we made you go get your wrist checked out that Friday. You teased me because my wrist also was hurting me at the time. We made a good pair. They wanted to do surgery on your wrist. Mom told them NO WAY! Afterall, you were 80 years old and you didn't want it so she decided that she was going to do what you wanted and just let it heal as it may. (Boy am I glad she made that decision when she did). I wasn't as lucky. I had 2 surgery's on my wrist within 2 months of eachother that summer/fall but I guess you do know that as I know you were there with me both times.

I'm sorry we didn't make it to the home on Easter Sunday to visit you. I remember that Gabby wasn't feeling good and I remember telling Grandma to just give you a hug when she got there and tell you we'd be there to visit the following weekend.

Then Tuesday morning at 5:15am, the phone rang. It was mom and she was crying. I knew right away something was wrong. She said, "Jo, Grandpa's gone". And I said, "grandpa Klint?" and she said "No, Grandpa Phil". I remember crying immediatly and Hubby asking me what's wrong. I kept saying, "No, No, NO. How? Why?" Then Hubby took the phone and talked to mom. Gabby and I got up and came to the farm to be with mom and grandma and dad. I couldn't go to work. IT was the LONGEST 40 miles of my life. Gabby and I spent the night with grandma and came back to town the next day.

Then we headed back to the farm for the rest of the week. Friday was a tough day for everyone. The funeral was very nice though and Orv did a GREAT job singing. There was SOOOOO MANY Flowers! You really were a well liked person, Grandpa. So many stories about you driving bus for the school and you driving the gas truck. I enjoyed listening to all of them.

I hope you are celebrating with a huge cake and lots of gifts today. I took flowers out and came to visit you last weekend. It was cold and the roads were icy but I'm glad I made the trip. Enjoy your special day Grandpa!

I Love You and Miss You!

"Old Mean Jo"

Yep Baby

2008-03-04T09:17:00.002-06:00

So my bff had a baby girl last night about 8:50pm. I'm so happy for her and her hubby. What an awesome experience to be a part of.
I couldn't ask for a better bff!

Maybe Baby???

2008-03-03T16:43:00.001-06:00

Well I'm at the hospital today with my bff who is letting me be here for the birth of their baby. We've been here all day. We are making progress...SLOW but still progress. Unsure if we'll have a baby today or not but I'm sure excited for bff and her hubby.

I played hooky from work today too! :-) I'm so naughty but oh well. I'm thinking this day has also given me a much needed break from "the grind" and to just do something for myself for a change. Hubby was like "You've been there ALL DAY and you're staying LONGER?" and i was like "Yep. I'll drop a car seat off for JP at daycare and you can pick him up on your way home. Don't wait for me for supper". He didn't sound too impressed...but he'll get over it.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.

Going Public

2008-02-29T15:10:00.002-06:00

Ok so Yes I went public again. It's been 2 months of being private and I am thinking that my family has forgotten. My family member that found out about my blog has NEVER said anything to me about it and so I'm not too worried anymore. I'll keep you posted if things have to go back private again for any reason.

I'm also wondering....does anyone out there know of any good eating disorder support groups online or blogs about people suffering from eating disorders. As much as all of you have helped me with the infertility/foster care stuff, I'm just wondering if there is anyone else out there with and ED that is blogging.

A quick update

2008-02-27T14:28:00.002-06:00

Another appt at the EDI this morning. This time with the MD. She says I'm on a trend they don't like to see....(AKA - I'm still losing weight.) Since my first appt 3 weeks ago today, I have lost 4 1/2 lbs. Since my appt last week I have lost 1 1/2 lbs. The sad thing is that I LIKE IT! I found myself smiling when she told me that. I start seeing the psychiatrist weekly next week. The dietician biweekly. The md - monthly unless necessary more often. She said she will give me 3 1/2 more lbs to loose before we need to make some drastic changes (i.e. inpatient treatment). I looked at her and laughed...and just where does she think that fits in MY schedule????? I know I need to take care of myself and it really scares me to think about how happy I was that the scale had went down yet again. This is A LOT harder than I thought it would be. I went into treatment thinking that with someone else to talk to who truly understands, I could lick this thing in a hurry. That is not how things are working out and it's frustrating to me. I feel like all I've done for 3 days is eat and yet I've still lost 1 1/2 lbs. I'm GOING CRAZY! I walked out of the clinic this morning with another girl. We were making small talk about how long we had been going to the EDI and the whole time I was thinking....man I wish I was as skinny as you are! She was only about 5 feet tall though so I know that makes a difference (I'm 5'10") but still. Why am I so fixated on this this time? I just don't understand. Hubby actually sounded concerned when I talked to him after the appt today. I told him that I had lost another 1 1/2 lbs and see said, "But you have been eating better. Is there anything else wrong with you?" So I know it's not all in my head that I have been eating better - he has noticed it too. Maybe he is coming around on all this.

Well I was going to make this a quick update and it turned into a book. I gotta get back to work.

Ok, I'm brain dead

2008-02-25T17:13:00.002-06:00

So I went to CUTE BLOGS but for the life of me I can't figure out how to change mine. Can someone help me???? I even tried to follow her directions and it didn't work. HELP ME!

A New Friend

2008-02-25T13:37:00.002-06:00

Today I had lunch with a new blogger friend. I feel like I did a lot of talking and hopefully I didn't bore her to death! She is such a nice person and I look forward to getting to know her better. It's nice to "meet" people online that are going thru the same things as we are but to finally meet someone IRL, is soooo much better. Thank you for meeting me for lunch today!

Now Grandpa and Grandma are "mean" too

2008-02-23T10:49:00.001-06:00

Well my brother and sister-in-law and their son came up to visit this weekend too! How fun...my parents get to see 3 of their kids/spouses and 6 of their 7 grandkids this weekend! :-)

However, my sweet little Emilee thinks Grandpa and Grandma are "MEAN" just like her mom and dad. The whole deal is that Emilee was not supposed to have fun this weekend. Well she DID NOT WANT TO GO WITH my brother "Tuffy" and his wife and son today because it would be "boring". But Tuffy and my parents agreed that Emilee should go with them because they don't see her very often and they could spend some quality time together. Oh, I feel so bad that she isn't happy today. NOT!

**********
Also, before they left my parents' house, my mom called me to say that Emilee was complaining of a headache and wanted some medicine right after my mom gave K some cough medicine. I told her to go ahead and give Emilee some but not the full amount that she should get according to the bottle and then tell Emilee to lay down and rest. Emilee was back up 5 times in 10 minutes that her headache was better.HMmmm...now did she really have a headache??? NOT! I'm getting so smart in my "old" age. LOL! ;p

"You're Mean"

2008-02-23T10:02:00.002-06:00

Ok, so that's what Emilee had to say to Hubby last night when she got home and figured out that she wasn't going to friends' house to spend the night and JP got to go. On Thursday it seems my sweet Emilee decided to steal Uncle S's IPod and lie about it. Then she decided to throw a MAJOR fit in school and when her teacher reminded her that she was working towards a reward for the weekend, her response was "I don't care if you send a note home, I will get to go anyways". Sorry little girl, but that's not how it works. By the time I got home from work last night, she had calmed down and didn't say a thing to me about not getting to go to the friends' house and that JP got to go.

Then my sister and her hubby showed up with their 3 kids for us to watch. Then Emilee was glad she didn't go to friends' house because D, K and R were at our house. Too bad Emilee had to go to bed not long after that and didn't get to play too much. I'm so mean!

This morning she got up early and was a big help to me getting the other 3 ready so we could meet my parents in town for breakfast and leave the kids' with them while I came to work. She just doesn't get it that she didn't get to go because of her behavior and she isn't going to play and have fun. She's on restrictions this weekend. She is able to tell us why she didn't get to go to her friend's house but it doesn't seem to bother her. Who knows...we'll see how things go today at my parent's house as she is going to nap right along with the little kids' today.

Life

2008-02-21T19:27:00.003-06:00

Well today I had my 2nd appts at the Eating Disorder Institute. I took my mom with me. Not sure if that was a good idea or not. They encouraged me to bring family/friend support so I did that. Mom listened to what they had to say and then on the way back to work here's what took place..

Me: I didn't mean to make you cry up there.

Mom: I know. I'm just worried about you.

Me: I'll be fine. I am taking the steps needed to get better. It's tough. I'm scared. But I know what needs to be done and I'm willing to work on it.

Mom: Well I know your issues aren't due to you thinking you are fat...they are stress related.

Me: Umm yeah you're right.

Didn't she listen to ANYTHING I had to say at the appt? Didn't she listen to ANYTHING the doc had to say??? UGH! I wasn't going to get into it with her then. I took her with. I won't do it again.

***********
On a separate note, I went back to my MD today (yes I spent 3 1/2 hrs in clinics today and still managed to work 9 hrs) and he doubled my depression meds. The last week has been VERY difficult. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm back to feeling how I did on no meds and I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!!

BRRRRRR

2008-02-20T09:01:00.002-06:00

My van said -40degrees on the way to work this morning! And that's not including the windchill! Noone should be out in this weather! And to top it off, Hubby came back up to the house this morning after TRYING to water the cows to tell me that our pressure tank in the well house was froze! NOT GOOD! Luckily, it's my afternoon off so I can get back home and help him work on that. I can't wait for SPRING!

Not much going on

2008-02-19T13:46:00.002-06:00

Well there is not much going on in our lives. The kids' went to respite for the day last Saturday for the first time with the new family and it went very well. They didn't want to come home so we made another date for 2 weeks. :-)

I made an overnight respite plan with my daycare lady's daughter (my 3rd cousin to get technical) for this Friday night for BOTH KIDS!!! I'm sooooo excited. We've been trying to line this up for a while and FINALLY it will work out. Unfortunately I have to work on Sat but it will still give us Friday night with NO KIDS! K will pick the kids' up from daycare/school so I don't have to worry about that at all! Now what will we do with our alone time???? I see some snuggle time on the couch under a blanket in my future! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Tomorrow I will be meeting another fellow IF blogger! I'm soooo excited for that too. Lunch here we come!

Gotta Love ND

2008-02-13T09:28:00.002-06:00

So we are in for another storm this afternoon and tonight. YIPEE!!! At least this one is going to affect things tomorrow! :-) It's about time we get something during the week and not just ruining the weekends! LOL! 1-3 inches today with 3-5 more inches tonight! Yep...i'll be headed home before dark today.

For those of you living up here by me...stay warm and stay safe!

Thoughts

2008-02-11T10:43:00.000-06:00

So we survived the blizzard like conditions that were upon on this past Saturday. We survived driving 30 miles South to pick up my sil and her friend and friends' daughter after they hit a pheasant and took out the radiator on my sil's vehicle Sat night in the yucky weather. (LONG STORY as to why they were even out on the road). Today is icky too. COLD, snow, windy. Winter Weather Advisory as they call it. Hubby said I have to follow him home tonight to be sure I can even get down our road. It's not nice in the country. ANyways, that's life. I wouldn't want to live in town.

So that brings me up to my thoughts that I have been having. As I said in an earlier post...I've been to the eating disorder institute in a nearby big city for an evaluation. Anorexia has been something that i have struggled with on and off since highschool. Last summer I weighed in 22 lbs more than what i weigh now. What scares me is that the first thing the first doc that I saw said to me was..."You understand that this will become part of your medical records. It is confidential but in the event that your medical records are ever subpoena'd by the courts, I will have to break confidentiality and they will be released". OK, I wanted to get up and walk out. This is my biggest fear. IF i consider going for treatment, what will that do to our chances of adopting? You always have to answer the question if you've ever been to a therapist or if you have ever doctored for any psychological issues? What do I do? So ok, once the stress passes, I may be able to gain back some of the weight I've lost. But what happens 2 years from now when I'm back in this situation? That's why I decided to go for help now. But do I really want help? I don't know. I hate this! I hate feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me how good I look. I'm sick of people telling me to JUST EAT! I'm sick of Hubby telling me to JUST EAT! Last night we were cuddling on our bed watching tv. He layed his head on my stomach and then started whining about how uncomfortable he was. UGH! They lay on your pillow. I'm sick of people telling me they wish they had my problem and didn't want to eat. I wish I could look in a mirror and be happy about what I see. I wish I didn't have to look at EVERY piece of food and decide whether or not i DESERVE to eat it. UGH! I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!

Hubby isn't so out of it after all

2008-02-08T16:30:00.000-06:00

This morning we were talking about cleaning out the bathroom closet of old/expired/unneeded cold medicines.

Hubby: We're gonna go thru the closet in our broom tonight

Me: Ok

Hubby: We can throw out all the infant stuff and teething meds

Me: Well if they're not expired, why throw them out??? You never know when we will get a call for an infant

Hubby: We're done.

Me: Done with What?

Hubby: I told you from day 1 that if Fostering EVER affected your health - then we would be done.

Me: Oh - we'll talk tonight.

Guess he's been paying attention. Depression + Visit to Eating Disorder Institute to discuss 20 lbs weight loss that I didn't have to loose = Affecting my Health.

Maybe this will all blow over???

Sad day...

2008-02-05T15:32:00.000-06:00

Mom told me we had a death in the family today.....

Momma (my 17 yr old cat from when I was in Jr. High) hit my dad in the pickup today and was killed instantly. Yes you read that right - she ran into my dad's pickup this morning and hit her head on the wheel and she was killed instantly! :-( Her name was Momma but she had never had kittens. We just called her that and I have no idea why! This kitty had 9 lives.

She lived with us at my childhood home. Then with my grandparents while we moved. Then back at my parents lake home. Then with us while mom and dad moved again. THen at their farmstead. While living at the lake home with my parents, my mom had thought she had run over her and worried all day about coming home and having to bury my cat. She got home from work, buried the calico cat she had hit and 2 hrs later Momma came up to the door of the house and wanted in! It hadn't been Momma that she ran over (duh!).

I'm sad. It's weird. I know she was old and there were signs that her health was failing but SHE WAS MY CAT! Granted i have 8 cats at our farm now and stuff but it's still sad.

I guess it's the circle of life though, right? And mom's comment to me....How soon will you have kittens???? We need some here at the farm! Thanks mom! At least I know where to get rid of kittens this spring as with 7 female cats, we'll have PLENTY! Little does mom know...we've got a cat that is starting to look a little too plump for her own good at this time of year and our male cat who moved to the neighbors is back again so guess what will be at my house in the not too far off future!

The Meltdown

2008-02-05T09:01:00.000-06:00

happened at Afterschool Program yesterday. Hubby got the call as I was at therapy and didn't take my phone with me. He had to leave work and go get her because they couldn't control her. She even tried to hit him. She wanted me to pick her up - not daddy. Too bad little girl...you don't get to vote. He was NOT HAPPY at all last night.

The scary part - i was sitting in therapy talking about how nervous I was worrying about when the shoe would drop and our good behavior would end. Man...if I had only known!

How sweet

2008-02-01T15:14:00.000-06:00

I got home last night from work and Emilee had letter for me. It said..."I am sre four lst nit bt I stl love u mom".

She can be so darn cute and charming! but yes, it did melt my heart. Gotta love her!

It's been so good lately....

2008-01-31T17:21:00.000-06:00

and then it had to change. I guess I knew better than to think things could go on forever as well as they were.

Did you know i beat my daughter??? Really I didn't, but that is what she told her teacher on Wednesday. She came home from school sick on Tuesday. I don't believe for one minute that she was really sick but the school said she had been complaining of a sore throat, headache and her ear hurting so I went and got her. There were already 7 kids sick in her class alone so chances were, she was not feeling up to par. Before we ever got home, she asked if she could lay on the couch and watch cartoons all day. I told her "No, when you are sick, you need to rest in your room". She was NOT happy. but that's what she did. I don't think she's be "sick" again any time soon! :-)

Then Tues night she didn't like that JP got to stay up later than her (he only stayed up until normal bedtime but since she was "sick" she went to bed early.)

Then Wed morning she was a horrible bearcat! She was pokey at EVERYTHING and after 20 minutes I told her she was done with breakfast even though she had only eaten about 1/3 of her poptart. Too bad...you'll be hungry by lunch time. Then we had a team meeting at noon on Wed and Em's teacher was there and filled us all in on her claims from the morning. I asked if she looked "Beat UP". Her teacher said NO. Em also said i pushed her and she bumped her knee. I asked if she had a bruise. her teacher said yes but it was greenish-yellow already...not a fresh black & blue mark so she knew it wasn't true. UGH! This kid!

We had a LONG talk last night. I'm not sure that it did any good. Actually, from the report that I got from uncle S today, it didn't do any good but that's a whole different story.

Anyways, we'll see how our night goes tonight.

I Love where I live, I Love where I live, I love where I live

2008-01-29T08:20:00.000-06:00

Ok, I hope you all figured out that was meant to be sarcastic.

40 degrees yesterday. Today the windchill is -40 degrees. That's absolutely CRAZY!!! I actually wish we would have gotten the snow that some places north of here got. At least then, I could have stayed home today!

Emilee

2008-01-28T14:38:00.000-06:00

The school called (I'm not surprised).

School : Emilee isn't feeling too good. She thinks she can make it the rest of the day but wants to know if she can go home with Uncle S instead of going to the Afterschool program.

Me: Well I really think she should go to the afterschool program.

School: I'll let you talk to Emilee.

Emilee: Hi mom (sounding VERY sick)

Me: Hi Sweetie. What is going on?

Emilee: I have a headache.

ME: But you think you can make it the rest of the day at school?

Emilee: Yeah I think I can. But Mom, can I PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSE go home with Uncle S tonight instead of going to Afterschool.

Me: Well I think you should just go to AS. Tell B that you aren't feeling too good and that you would like to just rest when your homework is done. If you go to Uncle S's house then you'll have to be outside helping with chores and etc and if you're not feeling good, that's not a good idea. You can get some rest at the AS program.

Emilee: Ok mom. Bye. I love you!

Me: Love you too Sweetie. See you tonight.

Ok, so I could have let her go to Uncle S's house tonight but when she asked this morning, I told her she needed to go to the AS program. I'm such a mean mom!

So innocent

2008-01-28T09:56:00.000-06:00

Last night 7:15pm...

Hubby & I were sitting on the couch watching tv and Emilee came to the couch.

Emilee: I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

HUbby: Well you don't get a choice. You have to go to school tomorrow. It's MOnday.

Emilee: Mom, can I cuddle.

Me: Sure, crawl up here.

Fast forward to 10:45pm...I'm just dozing off in bed and here someone coughing on the other end of the house. I just lay there for a little while. Then here people talking. Roll over to tell Hubby that HIS kids are awake and he's not in bed. It's him talking to Emilee (guess I must have been a little more than dozing as I didn't notice him get out of bed). By this time I hear her throwing up but figure he's up..he can handle it.

Hubby coming back to bed: YOUR daughter just threw up.

ME: Convenient when she said earlier that she didn't want to go to school tomorrow.

Hubby: You don't know she's faking it.

ME: WHatever (roll over and go back to sleep).

Fast forward to this morning. I wake JP up and then go to wake Emilee up.

Emilee (walking into the kitchen): Mom I puked last night.

ME: Yeah, that's what daddy said. What was wrong?

Emilee: My tummy hurt from being hungry (Ok she ate supper at 6:30pm and had desert...she wasn't THAT hungry!)

ME: Oh that's not good.

Emilee: So am I going to school today?

ME: Yep. (Feeling her forehead) You don't feel warm or anything and it was only one time. Here I'll make you some toast for breakfast.

Emilee: Can I have a poptart?

ME: Well, just incase you are still feeling a little sick, let's just have toast this morning and see how that goes.

Emilee: Oh, ok.

She ate her breakfast and drank a full glass of milk. Perked up and couldn't wait to get to school....Now was she really sick or did she make herself throw up in hopes of getting to stay home today??? I'm not sure but I can make a guess.

A Prayer Request

2008-01-25T08:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, I don't do this much and I wouldn't do it if I didn't think it was truely necessary. Although I do have my beliefs, going to church every Sunday is not something that we do. I would like to go more often than we do, but that is a whole different post for another day.

A co-worker of mine who is 33 yrs old was put in ICU last Sat with a bleeding ulcer. He recieved 3 units of blood upon admission. He was in ICU until Tuesday when he was released to come home. By Tuesday night he was back in ICU and has received 2 more units of blood since then. A scope was done on Wed to cauterize (?sp) the ulcer (again). He had a colonoscopy yesterday and they found 2 pollups and sent them in to the lab. He called me here at work yesterday and he doesn't sound very good. He's very weak. They can't find where he is still bleeding from! I'm scared. He and I have developed a very close friendship and I consider him one of my best friends. He is married with twin step children (age 11). He has 2 boys (age 12 and 10) of his own that do not live with him. His wife is my back-up daycare provider. It's just so scary to think this could be happening to someone who is in such good physical shape. He coaches 7th grade boys and girls basketball, is training for cage fighting (ok - maybe he's not so smart! LOL). Anyways, please keep him and his family in your thoughts.

2008-01-24T14:28:00.000-06:00

No Swimmers tagged me...

Here are the rules:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I go to bed by 8pm at the latest in the winter time! Yep sometimes BEFORE my kids!
2. I'm far from a neat freak at home. Although I LOVE it when my house is clean...I can't seem to get up the energy to do ANYTHING these days...(Maybe that has something to do with what is going on in my life right now..who knows?)
3. I pick at my fingernails (I'm not a biter..just a picker!) :-)
4. I'm a compulsive shopper at Maurices!
5. I really don't know how to put on makeup! SOrry - I've always been a "tom boy" sort of girl. My sis has tried teaching me, but I just really don't get the jist of it!
6. I have run over 3 of my own kittens in the past 2 years! I'm such a bad "mom".

Okay...I tag:
1. Trace
2. Kathy
3. Little Did I Know

I'm still here

2008-01-23T09:22:00.000-06:00

Wow...it's been a whole week since I last blogged...what do i do with my time???? Ha Ha.

I don't know where to even begin and frankly, I don't have time to begin right now. Just know we are still alive...we are ok....and we are TRYING to stay warm!

Oh....and I did back out of official respite last weekend...however, I DID get a night out with the girls last Friday night (yep 1 beer and I was toasted! - I NEED to get out more) and then on Sat I was able to go to a Lia Sophia Premier deal in Fargo so that was nice. The kids' spent the night with Hubby's dad and brother. They didn't come home until 6pm on Sat! :-) I was actually missing them by the time they got home! It was SOOOOO nice though!

There is other stuff to report but that will have to wait.

Anything exciting in your lives???? Email me as I haven't even been lurking on your blogs for the past week!

Lia Sophia Party

2008-01-16T16:56:00.000-06:00

Hi. I'm having a Lia Sophia Party. Anyone want to check out the website???? Here it is....

www.liasophia.com/shoptj

I NEVER have good turn out at these parties so thought I'd put it out there to all of you. IF anyone wants to order anything and you feel comfortable enough...I will ship it to you for free!

*****************
On the home front...things are ok. Emilee is doing GREAT still. JP - that's a different story but he starts therapy tomorrow. I had a LONG talk with the sw today. We'll see what happens.

I'm doing ok. Bummed today because the weather forecast for this weekend is not nice. 6 degrees BELOW zero for a high on Sat! The kids are supposed to go to respite for the first time this weekend but I really can't see taking them out in that weather when it's only to give me a break. It's just not safe and yet...I NEED A BREAK! We'll see what happens.

Weekend Update

2008-01-14T10:13:00.000-06:00

Emilee had a GREAT weekend! I'm not knocking on wood but NO ISSUES since last Thursday! No talking back...no mood swings...nothing. I LOVE BEING A PARENT!!

JP - well he's a whole 'nother issue and this is a positive post so we'll leave it at that!

I have my 2nd appt with my therapist at noon today. :-)

So how was your weekend?

Not sure about this...

2008-01-11T09:26:00.000-06:00

Online Payday Loans

I got this from a fellow blogger. Not sure how this figures things but here's what it came up with. Go figure.

2008-01-10T09:03:00.000-06:00

This was an email that I was in my inbox when I got to work today. It's from Emilee's teacher.

Sorry, another bad day. We were putting our things away before lunch and
she had her pencil box on the floor as she was putting things into it.
Suddenly I heard this scream come from her direction and she suddenly
stomped on her pencil box and broke it. When I questioned her, she said
that it pinched her finger and she was angry. I said that it was likely
an accident in which she should take some of the responsibility for since
she was the one who had closed it into her finger. It was not a good way
to display our anger, especially not in front of the students because she
did make a big scene over it. She began to cry because the box was
broken, but calm down quickly when we changed our activity. She also had
five minutes in from recess for not listening. She was more concerned
with her shoes and whether they were fastened perfectly and would not keep
her feet on the floor. Then she got up in the middle of class to pick all
the rocks out of them and refused to sit back down until she was finished.
We talked about the fact that there are better times to do things like
this and during instruction time is not one of them. The afternoon was
better before she left. Hope you have a better night.

Just a normal day in school for her. I think she will be buying her own new pencil box.

Still Alive & Kicking (litterally)

2008-01-09T10:34:00.000-06:00

Well I'm still alive. Things are ok. I don't want this to be a negative post so I'm going to try my darndest to keep it somewhat positive.

The weekend went ok. Nothing major so that's a plus. Meltdown free? NOT! But not anything that we couldn't handle.

Monday - Em tried running away. I had to chase her down to catch her! :-( I have SEVERE exercise induced asthma that is made even worse by cold air. By the time I caught up to her (that little fart can run!) I was huffing and puffing BIG TIME! We made it back to the house and between gasping for air I was able to explain to her that Mommy's lungs don't work right and that I was VERY sick right then. She had a scared look on her face. I didn't care. Maybe telling her that wasn't good - maybe she'll run again cause she knows I can't chase her like that again or maybe it was good and scared the crap out of her and she won't do it again. Either way - I told her so who cares. STill today I'm having trouble getting a deep breath and coughing A LOT. Oh the fun of asthma!.....................JP well, he was JP getting ready for school. Or should I say NOT getting ready for school. I dressed him AGAIN. He cussed at me for not letting him dress himself and so on. Same old story, just a new day.

Tuesday - Em apologized for her behavior on Monday. Forgot her glasses at home and the school called. She got upset when I said I wouldn't go get them and take them to her (remember I work 30 miles North from home and her school is 10 miles W of our house) but soon got over it when I told the school that she had gone 3 days during vacation and did fine.....JP - same story...new day.....also bath night. Emilee took her own shower as she normally does. Listened when I told her there wasn't time to play because we needed to eat supper and got done quickly :-). JP - battle battle battle. He has recently begun HATING his showers/baths. He SCREAMS, CRIES, HITS, KICKS, you name it , he does it in the shower. He complains the water is hot even when we have the hot shut off and only have cold on to try and show him the difference between hot and cold. He also says he has to go potty. (He goes BEFORE he gets in the shower). The first time (last Wed night) I let him out to go. He never went. Sunday night Hubby let him out to go. He never went. So last night I told him he needed to stand up and cooperate so that we could finish washing his hair and then he could get out and go potty. He didn't cooperate. Eventually (20 minutes later) we finally finished his shower (Em's took her 8 minutes). He got dried off and sat on the toilet because he had to go Potty SOOOO BAD. 5 minutes later and no tinkling and I made him get off the toilet and get his jammies on (it's now approaching 8:15pm and he normally goes to bed at 7:30). He cried and screamed while I dressed him in his pj's and put him to bed still complaining that he had to go potty. He fell asleep and woke up this morning dry....Now am I wrong for not believing him that he had to go potty????

Wed - Emilee had a good morning (remembered her glasses!). Apologized again for Monday and asked me a few more questions about not being able to breathe. Jp - same story...new day. This time I set up my camcorder to see what it was he did in his room instead of getting dressed. After 25 minutes I went in and dressed him. Then watched the tape. He just stands there looking around. He didn't play with toys. He didn't lay back down in bed. He just stood in the middle of the floor looking around.

We started a new med for JP last Sat. It's a new patch for ADHD. Not sure what the drug name is right now. His mood has seemed worse to me. The school reports that he is doing better (still VERY pokey) but seems a little quicker and is more verbal. He was able to sit at the table and do his homework alone last night. I didn't have to sit and walk him thru it step by step. That is an improvement. So is the mood just a coincidence or is it a side effect? I'm waiting for the clinic to call me back.

Em has to have her liver checked today due to her meds. That should be fun! NOT! She's such a drama queen. Maybe I'll make a deal with her....not exaggerate at the clinic and we can have a treat between that appt and her therapy? We'll see if she'll bite on my deal! :-)

So that's my life in a nutshell for the past 5 days. I'm here. I'm worn out. I'm stressed. Just a normal week in the Hubby and Jody household.

My new friend IRL

2008-01-04T13:42:00.001-06:00

Today I was able to meet a blogger friend for lunch. IRL! When I started this blog I never thought I would "meet" anyone that would live close enough to me to actually meet them IRL. At this point, my blogger friend will remain anonymous until this person tells me that it's ok to say who this person is. We had a great lunch and a great conversation. And the best part...there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I know things are different with every kid, but there was a light at the end of this person's tunnel and it does give me hope that there will be one for us too.

Thank you new IRL friend! And we SOOOO have to get the kids' together some weekend.

Therapy Thoughts

2008-01-03T18:14:00.000-06:00

I think I am really going to like my therapist. First impression was very good. Not only does she work within the local school district so she deals A LOT with kids, she has been thru infertility herself! She asked a lot of questions to make me think and made me give her answers which I think is good. It hurt a lot to say stuff out loud but I think it also helped me. One question that I struggled to answer was, "When was the last time you were Happy?" I don't know. We have another appt scheduled for next week. She also got me to admit out loud that I am struggling with my eating disorder again. I know the road I'm headed down (with the anorexia) but I can't change it on my own. She understands. I do feel better now than I did earlier today. She gave me some "homework" to complete before the next appt.

1. Call my MD and discuss meds with him.
2. Make an effort to get at least 3 hrs/week alone with Kenny...NO KIDS!
3. Do something special for MYSELF within the next week. (I think my lunch out to meet my blogger friend tomorrow should count for this! I'm SUPER excited.)
4. Admit I'm only HUMAN and not SUPERWOMAN! (There I already have that one done!)

Overall, I'm happy with how things went. There now next time when she asks when I was last happy I can tell her TODAY! after my appt. Well I'm not happy in a giggling kind of way but I am relieved that I am taking steps to feel better about myself...the kids...me and Hubby's relationship...life in general.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to my blogger friends for supporting me and listening (reading). For those of you who recommended therapy...THANK YOU.

(See a post without a bunch of negatives!! This has to be a first in a LONG TIME!)

What I hate most right now

2008-01-03T15:35:00.001-06:00

is being told "You are such a strong person for sticking by Emilee and JP. They are so lucky to have you". Yeah well I'm tired of being that strong person IRL. Life sucks at home right now and I'm not handling it well at all! Guess what ...I'm HUMAN and I'm not as strong as everyone thinks.

1st therapy appt in 1 hr and 21 minutes.

Therapy today

2008-01-02T16:33:00.002-06:00

Dr Therapist - Emilee draw me a picture of your family.

Emilee draws a pic of hubby & JP.

Dr Therapist - Emilee draw me a picture of anything.

Emilee draws a pic of a storm.

Hmmmm...interesting.

2007-12-31T16:41:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I'm not a good blogger friend lately and unfortunately it is probably not going to change in the near future. PLEASE if you have some really good news or something interesting...email me because I probably/more than likely won't get to keeping up with everyone else's blogs...I've just got to get some things straight in my own world.

And Dear Blogger Friend whom I am meeting for Lunch on Friday...I can't wait! Let's keep in touch after the 1st!

What a morning we had...

2007-12-31T13:35:00.000-06:00

Hitting = bloody nose for me

kicking = bruised shins for me

spitting = slap in the face for her while i was trying to block the spit from hitting my face

swearing = vinegar to the swearer when she got home

phone call to hubby = either come get her or I'm calling social services to come get her = Emilee begging for 1 more chance to be good.

He came and got her.

I'm going to kill you tonight - I hate you - You're mean - I'm going to kill you tonight - I hate you - You're mean - You are a F***ing A** Mom! = a new cd player for me and a really cool Hannah Montana cd and lots of other cool new christmas presents that are currently taken away.

This all took place in the waiting room of the dentist office AFTER she had her teeth cleaned.

Yep - a "normal" day in my life. DO I trust to leave her home with a babysitter tonight???

Perm Plan

2007-12-27T18:18:00.000-06:00

or should I say "Child and Family Team Meeting" (minus the child as they are not allowed to attend). What a dumb name...anyways...

for the first time this meeting lasted 1 1/2 hrs when it is supposed to last 30 minutes. I had a page of notes on each kid. I felt bad that everything on the list was negative but that is life right now. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything positive to say about either kid.

So here's the jist of what was decided:

1. I need to call the clinic and get JP in for a med checkup.

2. I need to call the office where Emilee goes and try to get JP in to see the same psychiatrist that Emilee is scheduled to see Jan 15.

3. I need to call the respite home where the kids went in Nov and see if they will agree to watch the kids everyother Sat or Sun for the day to give us a scheduled break and so it's part of the routine for the kids.

4. N, our partnership program lady, will set up a meeting for the end of Jan with the "team" and include the school and psychiatrist.

5. I need to fill out some form to see if we can get some more money for the kids on a monthly basis. (Before anyone jumps on me...we DO NOT do this for the money. The point in this is that I am in jeapordy of losing my job from being gone so much. These kids are a lot of work and if we can get more of a monthly subsidy for them, I can easier afford to quit my job before I am fired. In NOV I was gone 14 days from work. In Dec (not counting my meeting today or the kids' dentist appts on Monday) I have had 16 days with appts from being gone anywhere from 2 1/2 hrs to all day.

6. I have been told to check into PATH as that would get us more money and more support/training for dealing with the kids' behaviors and again allow for me to possibly be a SAHM and be free to run them to their MANY appts on a daily basis. This would also add another case worker to my already long list.

7.Hubby and I need to discuss whether we want a case aide (i.e. Path Parent) to take Emilee for a few hours a few different days a month for another sort of respite care.

8. Hubby and I need to discuss if we want intensive in home therapy (ummm when would this fit into our schedule??? I have no clue). This would be another appt on my calendar even though they would come in the evenings to our home...when??? We get home at 6:30-7:00pm and the kids are in bed at 7:30pm???

9. Transportation help was talked about. Our county won't do it because the kids are not from this county. THey want the kids' county to pay our county in order to do it and even then our county kids would take precidence (?sp) over my kids. AKA...they wouldn't ever help anyways and the transportation lady is old and I really can't stand her anyways...so would this really be a help to me??? NOt sure.

10. There is a child psychiatrist that would be good for the kids to see vs the one here in town. The prob...this psych is 60 miles away so that's more time off work and more time in the vehicle burning $3.00/gal gas and getting a wopping $30 reimbursement from MA for each trip. That barely pays the gas let alone any wear and tear on my vehicle or lost wages, etc. Something we are supposed to talk about as a couple. (Yep another thing for ME to do)

11. Adoption was discussed. I made it VERY clear that there will be NO DISCUSSION on adoption for a LONG time. There are FAR TOO MANY issues with these kids and if ADOPTION is what they want in the near future, they need to move these kids. Adoption discussion was dropped! (What does that tell you...they know they would have a hard time finding a home to take these kids)

There were a few other minor things discussed as well. Did you notice that a lot of things were things that I need to take care of? Yep, thanks for all the support!

How much more????

2007-12-26T15:29:00.000-06:00

Daycare called. Emilee is using the F word left and right today. Daycare said she's heard of this side to Emilee but never seen it herself...until today that is.

Hubby called. Van has a flat tire. No big deal. I decide to take a lunch hour (it was 2:20pm) and take him an air tank to air it up so he can change it and I can bring it back to work to have it repaired so Hubby can put it back on the van tonight. Then work tells me they are not sure they can fix the tire. UGH! Not that I have any special tires on it or anything but they did cost $115 a piece and that was just the end of June that we put new tires on the van.

****************UPDATE*************** Tire is NOT fixable. New one can't be here until Friday at the earliest. Price has gone up. Not much, but enough. 80 miles/day on a donut...yep..that's safe.

Mom called. 1. Uncle (mom's only brother) was in ICU last Sat night. Diabetic coma. Aunt went to console a mom whose son was killed in a car accident (icy roads, speeding, no seatbelt = rollover = dead at 24 yrs old). Terrible thing but COME ON - YOUR HUSBAND IS SICK!!! HE SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST RESPONSIBILITY! By the time they took him to the ER, his blood sugar was 1500. He is now blind. Out of ICU, but on 4 insulin shots a day and they can't get it under control. Mom and her bro don't have a good relationship but they are the only 2 kids. It still put a damper on the weekend. Mom called to tell me that she gave my aunt and my 2 cousins on that side of the family all my contact info incase something happens in the next 5 days. (Mommy & Daddy are going on a mini winter vacation with some friends...good for them...she needs some stress relief!). 2. Gma (mom's mom) is sick with bronchitis. Not getting any better. Been on antibiotics for 5 days now and still not good. Can I check in on her a couple times a day (by phone - she lives 60 miles away at mommy and daddy's farm). Yep I can do that. Also, gave gma's special friend (aka boyfriend but no one will admit it) all my contact info too. Thanks mom. I can handle it. Have a good trip!

So....at what point do I breathe in the next 5 days???

Oh I forgot one more "HAPPY" moment

2007-12-26T12:32:00.001-06:00

I had ordered hubby some remote control toys online for his present. I knew he'd LOVE them. Well, they came. One broken. Reordered. Came on Monday. AWESOME! NOT. It was broken too.

Although this is out of my control...I still feel horrible. Hubby was a good sport. He didn't care. He loved the idea...so why do I still feel like I failed?

Trying to explain

2007-12-26T10:15:00.000-06:00

Ok I will try to explain the last few days in a nutshell...

Friday night...left home at 6:40pm headed to my brother's house in South Dakota. A normal approx 2 hr drive. From the time the pickup was moved outside the garage to the time we got in the pickup it had started sleeting/freezing rain. We left anyways. After talking to my sil, it was just cold and windy in their town so we decided to keep going. After about 15 miles on the interstate and 6 cars and 1 semi in the ditch, and people passing us like we were standing still (we were only going 25-30mph) we decided to take the back roads. About 2 hrs into the trip we were somewhere between No Man's Land and The End of the Earth (aka, I have NO CLUE exactly where we were at the time) we pulled over to let the string of cars behind us go past. Well we ended up backing into a light pole that we didn't see due to the snow/wind. Yep, couldn't even see the light on the top of the pole. And we were dumb enough to be out driving in it! But by the time the rain had switched to snow and the wind had come up, we didn't have much choice - either turn around and go back home or hope we would drive out of it soon as it was still not doing ANYTHING at the town we were going to. We FINALLY drove out of the bad weather about 50 miles from our destination and at 10:20pm, we arrived. Crabby Hubby, Crabby Jody and VERY CRABBY KIDS!

Sat we celebrated Christ.mas with my family. Other than my very weird brother and his wife and their 3 1/2 yr old son who is not potty trained and does not eat solid food, the day went pretty well. I was able to get online and lurk thru a couple blogs until my sister "caught" me. She then saw that I had a blog and that is reason #1 that I went private. She got my address. I have crabbed about her on here and I don't need her seeing that. I like the fact that NOONE IRL knows about this blog. No friends, no family, noone. This way I can feel free to say what I want and not worry about hurting someone's feelings. Sat night Emilee had a "normal" temper tantrum directed at me and my bro and sil got to witness it and how much it gets to me. I felt bad. I know it was a strange house but it's not like it was the first night there. She did fine Friday night. She just didn't want to go to bed because we weren't going to bed (it was already 9:30pm).

Sun - we traveled home with no big issues and got home mid afternoon.

Mon - day went ok. Night..well that's a different story. JP wouldn't go to bed. He cried, he screamed, he yelled, he hit. (Hmmm have you heard that before? just a different kiddo) He finally fell asleep at about 10pm. Then SAN.TA had to do his thing quickly and we went to bed. At 12midnight JP got up and went to the bathroom. No big deal. Then he decided to stand outside Emilee's door and say "Emilee"..."Emilee"..."Emilee". So hubby got up and shushed him and told him to go back to bed. THen he layed in his bed yelling and screaming. So he brought him to our room. He then sat on the floor next to our bed yelling and screaming about wanting a drink of water. He got one. Then he wanted more. Then something to eat...come on kid...it's the middle of the night. You can wait until morning. So there we sat. At 3am Emilee woke up due to the noise. I went to her room to calm her down. She was VERY worried that SAN.TA wouldn't come because JP was awake. I promised her that if she went back to sleep that SAN.TA would still come. She did as she was asked to do. Hubby and I dosed off and on but how much can you sleep with a 5 yr old sitting at the edge of your bed making weird noises???? He never did go to sleep.

Tues am Emilee got up and came in to see if SAN.TA had come. He did. She got to open her gifts. JP got to open A gift from SAN.TA as he must have come back and took a present back after seeing how JP was acting in the night because I'm sure he would have kept it even and given them both 2 presents had they both been good! JP spent the day in his room resting (and yet he still NEVER fell asleep). We spent the day resting. Emilee spent the day in her room listening to her new CD player and Hann.ah Mont.ana cd that SAN.TA had brought her. Last night was no better for JP. He's overtired. I'm not sure what his problem is. All I know is that I can't deal with it. He told me this morning that he wants to go back to Donny & Conny's house. I screwed up. I told him that they didn't want him back and that is why he is with us. It's the truth but probably not what he needed to be told. Then again..I don't care. (My therapy appt on the 3rd is not getting here soon enough!)

That gets us to today. The pickup is here in the shop. Damage (at my employee rate) is not too bad. If you can figure $900 not too bad. That's with parts at cost and 25% discount on labor. It could be a LOT worse! for a stickin' pole! The kiddo's are at daycare. JP in a pullup becuase he peed in his bed last night. I feel a little guilty as the only pull-ups we have left are princess ones but oh well. With his mood lately, I don't need daycare calling me to say he peed in his pants or all over her house and needs to be picked up or brought dry clothes. He also has orders to take a morning nap and an afternoon nap.

Here's some pics of our lovely pickup.

A short break

2007-12-22T15:41:00.001-06:00

Freezing Rain...Snow...0 visibility==== damaged pickup = $1300 minimum to fix...my guess.

Having a blast of a time...NOT!

Have & Safe & Happy Holiday

2007-12-21T14:20:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a Safe and Happy Holiday. If you are traveling...be careful and watch out for the other person!

Oh and do me afavor..I won't be near a computer until Next Wed...so let's keep the blogging to a minimum so I don't have so much to catch up on, ok??? LOL!

So much to say...So little time

2007-12-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

Ok I know you have all been wondering what it was that happened this week.

The short version is:

Emilee decided she didn't want to be in school on Tuesday and nobody was going to make her so she decided to hide out in the bathroom. The teacher found her and told her to go back to class and according to her that day...NO ONE was going to tell her what to do and also "Emilee" was not her name. Her name is "McKenzie". For a while now when she gets extremely upset, she has been using this at home too. I'm not sure where she got the name "McKenzie" from but when she says it..her eyes are totally blank and it makes us think she means it. Anyways, after finally returning to the classroom she threatened the teacher and was removed from class by the principal. At home Tuesday night, things were not good either. That led to the emergency appt with her therapist. And an appt schedule with a med doc to try and get her on some sort of mood stabilizer until we can get in to see a Psychiatrist in Jan.

Ok that about covers it in short form.

**On a side note...I'm sooo peeved at our local sw and her office right now. I'm trying to find SOMEONE who could go get Emilee from School (30 miles from where I work) and bring her to town as I have a meeting at work and I don't want to miss it. Then I can take her to the doc and THEY WON'T DO IT! She's not technically "their" kid as she's from a different county...so they won't transport. UGH! Now what do i do??? Just when I was starting to feel better...this gets thrown at me...I just may cancel her appt...I don't know what else i can do?

***********************

Today I spoke with the lady from the Partnership Program. She is supposed to be support for HUbby and I. She called me yesterday when we were leaving therapy and I couldn't talk much cause Emilee was in the car with me so she said she would call me today. Her first question to me was, "How are YOU doing thru all this?" My response?"HOnestly, not good". and then the tears started flowing AGAIN! I did tell her that I had made an appt with a therapist (Jan 3 for all you out there!) and she said that was great. We made small talk for a little while and then went on to what we needed to discuss.

I also told Hubby today that I was going to start seeing someone. Guess what he said??? I think that's a good idea - you've really been a beeatch lately. Hmmm thanks dear! But he's right and I can't fault him for telling me the truth and at least he wasn't like, "You don't need to do that...just talk to me" like he was for a while there. This morning getting the kids ready went VERY well. I just kind of felt at peace. I think making the actual phone call was VERY stressful for me. Now that that is done, I can mark that off my list of things to do. I'm actually making progress already!!!

Now my question to you out there who are also seeing a therapist. What should I bring with me to the first appointment?

Appt

2007-12-19T11:59:00.000-06:00

Emergency Therapy appt @ 2pm today.

*********Updated***********
we are back from therapy. Some possible diagnoses were discussed just in small talk between the therapist and I. His first comment was my first thought and that is scary that I am already thinking along the same lines as a therapist and I'm so new to this sort of thing. As for any help..she refused to talk to him as she knew she was going to daycare when we were done there and she wanted to go hold the babies at daycare. Well sorry dear...but I put a stop to that. I told her that I did not want her holding babies or carrying babies at daycare. She asked me why. I told her because until her behaviors improve and she can recognize when she isn't feeling well...I don't feel that the babies would be safe. I told daycare the same thing and she agreed. I'm such a mean mom!